Attention customers, may I have your attention please...

Dear D.C. tourists and interns--

We native D.C. federal Metro commuters realize that your presence at the advent of nice weather is inevitable. Some of us might even welcome you; I'm sure you stimulate our local economy and I can't deny that your tax dollars are what fund my city and oh yeah, my paycheck. I do thank you for that. But please, a few words of advice as you descend upon our town, and more importantly, our public transportation system:

• You are in a large city. We are all aware. There is no need to loudly declare this everywhere you go. Please especially try to refrain from commenting (loudly) how crowded the metro is and how "it's just like the in the movies!!!!!" This is our every day life. I suppose it could be like the movies, except the movies don't usually have large white pasty bloated sweaty people in them commenting how it's like the movies. Most of us have commutes over an hour, and most of us are also probably working alternate schedules, which put us in the office for 9.5 hours a day. We really appreciate quiet commutes. Really.
• This goes without saying, but yes... walk on the left, stand on the right, people. In addition, when you reach the top/bottom of the escalator, STEP OFF AND MOVE AWAY. Do not stand indecisively at the end of the stairs and peer around, musing over where to go next. We're not intentionally trying to shove you (though we probably are gratified we are); it's just gravity and a machine pushing us into you.
• This also goes for Metro doors. If you are sadly stuck standing without a seat, and are crammed next to a door, and that door happens to open at a stop, GET OFF THE METRO and get back on when people are done exiting. Do not stand fearfully in the middle of the doorway with your shoulders hunched thinking it's making you in the least bit less of an obnoxious doorstop.
• For you large crowds of tourist groups, please do not congregate around the Metro gates and use that spot to obnoxiously shout your safety rules and when you're going to meet up and the color of your umbrella you'll be holding high up in the air. The Metro platforms are really spacious. Do that somewhere else and THEN you can swarm the gates all trying to shove your cards into the ones with the red minus signs.
• A special note to the interns: congratulations on getting that lucrative unpaid summer position at [insert senator's name here] 's office. I'm sure it was competitive and difficult and I have no doubt that you are extremely bright and I have faith that you will contribute greatly to our country when you grow up. But really... nobody who actually lives here is impressed. There is no need to proudly (and emphatically) declare where you're working and drop names and how awesome you are and how lucky D.C. is to have you here. Did I mention your position was unpaid? Right.
• On the flip side, however... don't be afraid. The Metro is not going to kill you. We understand most of you have never been on a public vehicle, or ever had to parallel park since your driver's test years ago, or ever had to actually PAY for a parking spot in general, and crowds are probably overwhelming. We have sympathy for those of you who clutch your children in vice-like grips, hissing at them when they step an inch away, afraid that they will be stolen away by strangers. Let me assuage you (though I should probably be more careful myself): I have worked approximately 1,350 days in D.C. That means I have ridden the metro at least 2700 times, plus more for school and weekends. I have never had anything stolen from me. I have fallen asleep countless times (despite repeated warnings) and never woken up in a dark alley or missing any organs, though once a homeless man screamed at me until I woke up and demanded money, to which I obviously did not comply. I have accidentally left my backpack unzipped with things practically falling out and never had anything taken. If anything, I've had more kind strangers tell me my bag's open or run after me with fallen items. I have, sadly, misplaced one library book, one ipod shuffle, and my car keys. The book and the shuffle were never found, but the car keys, which would have cost $300 to replace, miraculously made their way up to the Metro lost and found and I was gratefully reunited. If you are lost and confused, chances are there are 100 people on the Metro who can tell you where to go. If you ask nicely, just about anyone will help you. Really.

That being said... enjoy the city! This is a fantastic place to visit. There are a million things to do, countless landmarks to gawk at, and oh yeah... did I mention just about everything is free? And don't leave without dropping by Ben's Chili Bowl for a true D.C. experience... I mean, Obama ate there. :)

Sincerely,

Your D.C. Resident

P.S. Anyone else have comments to add?