Knight Rider was on again yesterday. I couldn't help it, I had to watch. This time, Kit was chasing a speeding runaway car complete with bound and shrieking damsel in distress (why does Kit need Michael Knight? I mean, he hops in the car and Kit says "it's good to have you back behind the wheel"... why? doesn't Kit do all the driving anyway??) Anyway, Kit then proceeds to shoot out a radar beam that somehow completely disables all car functions on the Speeding Getaway, Hasselhoff knocks out the brute, then turns to the blond and gallantly asks, "are you all right?" to which she predictably, breathlessly replies, "I am now!"
I must take a moment to opine. I think that is the lamest response in all the history of human communication. Never in my entire form of existence would I be inspired to respond in such a manner, even if it was Brandon Routh himself lifting a car off of me. Well. Maybe if a car was being lifted off of me by a muscular man in blue tights... but only if. I would think a more appropriate response would be along the lines of "yes, thank you so much" or "not really, but thanks for asking"...
...which led me to think upon other lame cliches, such as "I never meant for any of this to happen", or "I never meant to hurt you"... does that really help anything? I look forward to a scene where the Wounder gazes at the Wounded and says "Well... yep, I guess I saw this coming from the beginning. Sucks, huh?"
...for example, the other night I turned on the TV for some mindless entertainment while I ironed the 80% of my wardrobe that had been washed and shoved in my closet two weeks ago. My DirecTV guide led me to "Bulletproof Monk", a film starring Chow-yun Fat and Seann William Scott. The dichotomy of the two actors in the same film boggled my mind. At one point, Chow was attemtping to quantify how Chinese people fly in their movies. Um, hello?! There is no *reason* why Chinese people fly! WE JUST FLY!!! So then twenty minutes later, it's Bo Duke's turn, and he gazes up at the window and starts murmuring "I need to just believe... just believe..." and I'm thinking eh? Believe what? Think happy thoughts? And then what, Chinkerbell is going to come down and bestow some sort of ethnicity on you and then you will suddenly fly??!? I was appalled. Luckily I changed the channel before more brain cells and racial defilement were lost.
So I know this is possible plagiarism from others' blogging techniques, but I have to ask: what are the lamest movie lines you can think of?
5 comments:
The lamest I've ever hear is: Anikin, You're breaking my heart.
"Your boyfriend's back." When Liv Tyler anguishly anticipates her father's imminent death and, consequently, mankinds end. Yes, you guessed it, the Ben Affleck blockbuster: Armageddon (1997.)
The peak of his career? Since then his significant others outshine him hands down -- Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Garner.
Anything involving "The Neverending Story" is always choice.
For example:
"Bastian! Please! Call my name!" (Too bad The Childlike Empress wasn't all, "Say my name, say my name.")
Bastian's reply: "Moonchild!" Damn. That's what we were waiting for him to reveal, like, for 90 minutes? His mom's name was Moonchild? (He should have said, "Beyonce!" after The Childlike Empress theoretically was all, "Say my name, say my name.")
Or Atreyu's line when he was with Artax at the Fern Gully-like river: "It's time to eat!"
Or Atreyu's bi-polar performance in the Swamps of Sadness when Artax was getting his sink, like, on: "Do it for me, please. I love you." Followed by, "Stupid horse!"
Or Bastian when he was all up in that attic at his school and started to grub on some nasty-looking apple and then halted his lustfullness mid-mouthful by saying, "No, not too much. We still have a long way to go." Um, we do?
Or what about "The Lord of the Rings" when Frodo says, "The ring is treacherous. It'll hold you to your word." What the hell does that mean?
Also, anything from "The Sound of Music" is ripe with material.
Freidrich (sp?): "We don't know any songs."
Georg: "They have uniforms!"
Maria: "Straight jackets, if you'll forgive me."
Georg: "I will not forgive you for that!"
Maria: "I'm not finished yet, Captain."
Georg: "Oh yes you are, Captain . . . Fraulein."
Also, check out Freidrich's performance right after "the children" finish singing for the baronness with Georg jumping in for the last little bit.
Like, "the children" charge Georg for a group hug, but it's Freidrich who launches himself into attack mode and hurls himself at Georg. Like, Freidrich's face is, I swear, milimeters away from that of Georg's.
Handsome Rob-- The entire first three movies were lame. I sigh in regret. Though my subject line (Hold Me) is actually an homage to Return of the Jedi, where Leia flings herself into Han's arms with her manly, throaty rumble. I need to try that sometime, but I don't think my voice is low enough...
Wendi-- as I said before, my mom's favorite movie is Armageddon, and I can't wait for you to meet her!
Old Jack-- Nobody puts Princess Bride in a corner. I just like that line for the fact that Buttercup throws herself down the hill after him. Have you ever read the book? That particular scene is hilarious.
And Dude-- you obviously have passionate feelings for the Neverending Story... is that why you wanted me to put the theme song on the Kengthology?
I never thought Sound of Music to be laughable. I'll have to think about during my next annual viewing. Happens every year at Christmas.
Other gems:
"Hasta la vista, baby" from Terminator 2. THIS man is the governor of California? The only reason why I would never live there. Actually, anything Arnold says is laughable. Did you see him in his award-winning role in Around the World in 80 Days as Prince Hapi?! And I think he was already in office by then...
So many more, so little time...
Mrs. LaRusso: "You took karate!"
Daniel-san: "Not at the Y -- a good school."
Mrs. LaRusso: "Fighting doesn't solve anything."
Daniel-san: "Well, neither does palm trees, Ma."
Mrs. LaRusso, blatantly lacking a comeback: "That's not fair."
Post a Comment